Tonight, I’m cruising the internet for something that doesn’t exist: someone who wants sex now – but who also wants to stick around.
I’ve been doing this a lot lately. I’ve been doing it like it’s my job, but truth be told, it’s having a negative affect on my real job instead. It’s not even making me happy or getting me what I want. Most nights, I end up cock-blocked by guys who don’t follow through. Sometimes I hook up only to have regrets about it. On rare occasions I have an amazing time … yet the next day I’m still without the real object of my desire. Which is, at the simplest level, someone who’s going to be there the next day.
Am I addicted to trolling the internet for sex?
Lately I’ve had a lot more “NSA” sex than I have had before. In fact, in about a month, I doubled the number of guys I’ve slept with in my entire life. My excuses are that I got a late start – I was a virgin until just before my 21st birthday – and that my social life had been put on hold for quite some time – I had lived with family, in the middle of nowhere, for the last couple years. Circumstances had made it rare that I even had a date let alone sex. So, I was playing catch-up when I first moved in to my urban apartment five minutes from the epicenter of the local gay community.
On one hand, I’m already tired of the scene. On the other… sex is just fun. Why can’t I meet a boy and kiss him in five minutes? American society is still way too Victorian in its treatment of sex. All the so-called obscenity and indecency in the media is just fake. When it comes to the reality of sex, most Americans are still clueless. They’re deluded, alternately by porn or by ethics, to think sex is something other than what it is. And all it leads to is disease, unwanted pregnancy, hatred, and inequality. (But that’s a rant to be continued another day.)
Tonight, I ended up alone in my apartment. I should really use the time to do some work, or to sleep earlier so I can get an early start on work tomorrow. Instead, I will probably kill a couple more hours with pointless things, get horny again, and begin to search once again for the thing I am least likely to find online at 4 a.m. – anything real.