My best friend (though not necessarily my closest, currently, because of physical distance and other factors) told me in a very roundabout way that she’s getting married. In fact, she didn’t say those specific words during the whole conversation. She said she and her man “went to pick out a ring.” Now I’m not sure if she was obfuscating or if I’m just confused and grasping at straws.
We had always played around some sort of attraction, although we only “dated” for a very short time and the timing never worked out. We more frequently talked about our mutual attraction to other people (both male and female), about love, philosophy, politics, religion, and about everything else you can imagine.
And she’s the only woman I ever seriously thought I could marry and spend the rest of my life with. (That is to say, any other thoughts of marriage were fleeting or with a fantasy rather than a real flesh-and-blood person I knew.)
She has changed somewhat since I first met her, and so have I. Some of those changes scared me; made me fear she’d been brainwashed into being a less happy, less free person. We’ve spent long periods of time without having the opportunity to talk, but then when we do talk, we fall back into comfortable friendship. We can still talk for hours and still end up mostly on the same page.
We had talked often, as recently as a couple months ago, about moving in together as roommates (if we were to live in the same location again).
I’ve had other girls I dated get married to other guys – most of them, in fact. Some of them to guys they went out with days after me. It’s always a bit strange, but I came to terms with the fact that they deserved happiness and things are probably happier for both of us this way.
But this time, I’m not sure why, it feels different. I’m not sure I want to let go of the ideas I had. She was my back-up plan, my safety net. My enabler. My “Grace,” my fag hag. My kindred spirit.
Now I know she’s struggled with bad relationships in the past, and I’m glad she finally has what (I think) is a good one. I don’t begrudge her any happiness. I’m just jealous, both or her and the guy. Part of me is tempted to confess this, confess my lust to her, and ask her to put her plans on hold. To run away with me and see if we can make a life together somehow. Or to just wait until I figure out my life more. It’s not nice, but what can I say? I’m human.
I’m struggling with how to deal with this news. I was struggling how to respond and react when she told me. I’m struggling with the loneliness I now feel more acutely.
So what to to when your “Grace” gets married? Damned if I know.