Not-love at first sight?

I’ve always been a big believer in the idea of love at first sight. To find it like “Dharma and Greg” was my dream, to meet someone and marry them the same day. (That was before I realized my ideas of marriage were more like Dharma’s parents’ than Gregs’ … and that society would possibly stand between me and who I wanted to marry.) But if one believes in love at first sight, does that mean the converse is true – that we can also instantly rule out those who don’t live up to our dreams?

I met a guy the other night, and I fell into my pattern of leaping into bed before I look.

He was nice enough, there was nothing he did wrong and nothing that was an instant deal-breaker. He was a pretty bad kisser, and very inexperienced in many ways, but he was a good cuddler. The first dilemma is that I really don’t feel like training a baby gay – on one hand I don’t care if someone’s less experienced or even a virgin, but I also need a certain level of confidence, and I also don’t feel like being the first to break someone’s heart. I think sex does get better with practice (even if that practice is with oneself) and I don’t see someone who has only just come out as being comfortable enough in their sexuality to really know what they want. It’s taken me a quarter century to have a clue what I want; six to eight business days  is not going to cut it. It’s not like getting a package in the mail.

The second dilemma is that there was just no spark. Like I said, the kissing was distractingly bad. And to me, kissing is important, more important than actual sex. We didn’t talk (beyond a few pleasantries), and that’s also something that I want out of a relationship. And even though my ad leaned toward a search for a “FWB”, a friendship is still a relationship.

Now the dilemma is what to do. I really don’t see a future there, so should I just break it off now? And how much should I say when I do? Or, do I need to see it through another date or two… and how will I get through them without it being weird?

I do believe in love at first sight, because I have had it happen before, with friends. There are people I knew I would connect with from the moment I saw them across a room, and we did. However, does that mean it’s impossible for love – or at least like – to grow from apathy? Or is there a reason to believe in my not-love at first sight too, and trust the instincts I have that it’s not going anywhere?


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