Some nights…

…you just need to rant. This is one of those times.

It shouldn’t be this hard to find what we want. Love. Companionship. And great fraking.

But although I’ve had crushes aplenty and had some immense fun, I’m still waiting for that mind-blowing fireworks festival that actually lasts. It always turns out either that I don’t want to see the person again, or they apparently don’t want to see me. In the past year, I think I’ve had only one person who I’ve seen more than once. And with that person, there was no chance of a relationship (he was already in one) and we haven’t said more than 10 sentences that weren’t about sex.

I strongly believe people should just be able to communicate their deepest desires to their sex partner – that sex and relationships would be better if people were more honest. To say “you’re a bad kisser, do it like this instead” or “I really don’t want to fuck you right now, I’d prefer we just keep jerking off and then cuddle” or “I still love you, but I just met a really cute guy and I want your permission to bring him home.” But in practice, I seem to become mute. I can’t bring myself to speak up. I just take it and fake it.

I won’t talk to the guys online who might have real potential – because I’m afraid I’ll blow it by trying to get into their pants now, and they won’t want to give me a real chance later. Even if we’d never happen to meet otherwise, the chance that we would, and that they’d be my frog, is too much to risk.

Another thing is, that often I get horny and start looking, but then by the time I am close to finding something… I’m too close jacking off. And when I finish, then I don’t feel like putting forth the effort to hook up (until a few hours later when I’m horny as fuck again.) And hooking up is an effort. You’ve got to make your apartment presentable (at least take out the overflowing trash, stow away the embarrassing things, and spray some febreeze), make yourself presentable (shower, brush your teeth, and put on some clean clothes), then wait to meet the guy at your door, and finally clean up when the guy is gone (which depending how things go, means another shower, brushing teeth, more clean clothes, and changing your bedsheets). Of course if you knew he’d be gone in 20 minutes you’d skip that ritual, but it’s a must if there’s any chance you want to see him again (and if there isn’t, why are you fucking him?)

My body is literally aching for something more. Sometimes I feel like I’m having a panic attack, sick to my stomach. Other times it’s like a hunger. Other times it’s something else.  I feel like there’s something inside me that wants to break out, and that if I can just stretch enough, if I can just funnel enough life force into something, that I’ll … Create magic. Free myself. Experience true pleasure. Find enlightenment.

I would give anything at times like this in order to just fall asleep sandwiched between two hot guys. Wrapped in their arms. Feeling them inside me and me inside them.

So in addition to this fruitless search for a fellow fruit, other things in my life have been lacking. The simple explanation is that I’m depressed. There’s a saying that you can have a great job, a great apartment, or a great guy… but not all three at the same time. Is one of the three too much to ask for?

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