It feels like forever since I’ve posted here. In most ways, nothing much has changed in my life lately. I’ve felt stuck in a rut. I’ve felt unsure about decisions (and lack thereof). I’ve been depressed and frustrated with myself. But one thing has changed, or at least holds the promise of change… and that is that I’ve met someone unexpectedly.
A few weeks ago I was my usual horny self, and very late one night I signed onto a “dating” site to find some quick satisfaction. I flirted with someone and invited them over. I expected a few short moments of fun, and that they’d be sent packing before the sun rose. I have multiple profiles, and was using the one that said I was looking for nothing besides “fun.” I had temporarily given up hope of finding what I was really looking for. In that moment I wanted only to have a bit of human contact and get myself off.
I did not expect to actually like him.
We fucked around and each came about four times in the course of a few hours. He mentioned he should eat, and after much hinting on his part, I finally took the cue to go with him. (I was still not sure that it could be anything more than a hookup). We got bagels at a place right down the street, talked a bit, and then I walked with him all the way to his place of work (which is about a half an hour’s walk — not crazy, but not exactly on my way either).
A few days later we made tentative plans for daytime, but the evening before we were to meet, he was nearby so we decided spur-of-the-moment to hang out that evening instead. We made out, but then he decided he should not stay the night, so he could get things he needed done the next morning.
I made no special effort – I didn’t even shower or brush my teeth, my apartment was a mess, I was in the middle of doing laundry… and I told him as much. And remarkably, I felt comfortable. Like being around him was just effortless in a way that has not happened before. I felt like I could be myself, even my least-groomed, most-disgusting self. (I’m still nervous about things with him, but it’s a different kind of nerves.)
A few more days… and we arranged to hang out one night after he finished working late. He stays the night, but needs to leave somewhat early for a meeting. We slept and cuddled more than anything, but there is some “fun”.
Then today, we met for lunch. We walked back to my apartment. We messed around. Then we realized suddenly what time it was and that he had to leave for work, he was going to be running late. So things felt cut a bit short, but for an understandable reason.
Now I’m wondering if the old adage is really true, that you find things when you stop looking for them. I hate to get my hopes too high, because I’ve had hopes dashed before. But this is the longest I’ve had any sort of relationship, more times than I’ve seen anyone else, for the past year. This is the first time in a long while that I’ve felt both a physical and an emotional connection to someone. Of course there are some doubts. Although we didn’t waste any time hopping in bed, I can’t say as it was love at first sight. I’m not convinced that he’s “the one” or anything yet. There’s no delusion of perfection. I sometimes fear we’ll ultimately be inadequate in each others’ eyes. For now the feeling I have is mostly “ooh, you’re so adorably frustrating.”
But the thing that has changed right now, compared to my other recent paramours, is…. that I want to take a chance, that I want to keep seeing him, and that I’m not yet sure it’s doomed, either.
I’m feeling vulnerable in a way I haven’t felt lately. I almost don’t want to publish this entry, but here goes.