Questioning Genderqueer

I suppose I identify as genderqueer.

I identify as pansexual – I am open to dating and attracted to people of all genders, though I usually find myself to be more attracted to gay/bi/trans people than straight people, and I am usually more attracted to men than women. And I tend to have good “gaydar.” (But these are just generalities, and I do judge each person individually.) For simplicity’s sake, I generally tell others I’m bi.

I identify as polyamourous – though I’ve only had one threesome (and then I was the temporary third in another couple’s relationship), I am open to and would prefer a poly or open relationship to a monogamous one. Even if  I was in a mostly monogamous relationship, I would want my partner and I to be able to be honest when we have feelings or desire for another person, even if those desires were not acted upon. I think it’s possible to love more than one person at once.

I’m biologically male, and currently have no desire for transition with hormones or surgery. I think that if I could snap my fingers and magically be female, I would try it (at least temporarily). But for several reasons, I don’t think transitioning is right for me.

I’ve also never really done drag or cross-dressing, except for a bit of dress-up play when I was a child, though I quite often imagine taking a more feminine appearance and behavior. I usually act more masculine in public than I feel in private. I’m not sure how much of that is conditioning and trying to “fit in” to society. Some of it is also laziness; it’s much easier to just go with my current outward appearance than it would be to try and maintain a female wardrobe, makeup, behavior, etc. And then go out in public, or “out” myself to others… I wouldn’t know where to begin. And I don’t know that I would want to appear femme all the time, either.

For those reasons, I never really considered myself “trans” until recently. I thought to myself, perhaps I was “trans curious” though I was just trying to make up something without knowing if there was a term for what I was feeling. Recently, I’ve been doing more reading on the subject… and I am wondering.

I had heard the term genderqueer long ago, but (erroneously?) thought I wasn’t androgynous enough in appearance or behavior to call myself that. I heard the term “gender non-conforming” and thought that might work, except that I do tend to conform, in many ways, in public. I suppose the term “bigender” could fit, since I sometimes feel more masc and sometimes more femme, though I don’t really feel like gender is binary or set to begin with. Now I saw the term genderfluid, but I’m really not certain how that differs from some of the other terms, but perhaps this may be the closest fit.  And I also wonder how the heck I’m supposed to explain how I identify, without a lengthy conversation, when even within the GLBT community there is confusion and debate over terms, let alone the population at large.

I do wish I could “experiment” more easily without having to worry about passing, dealing with others’ expectations, and transphobia. I’d like to wear a dress, act more femme, (or whatever) if I wanted without it being a major deal. And if it were easier, I could see myself appearing more femme or more masc at different times.

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