Some randomosity

This blog has been somewhat neglected, though I have been trying to get on Twitter more frequently. I want to do more. I suppose just writing this blog is, in itself, a form of art, a form of therapy, something worthwhile. However, it is also a stepping stone that I hope to use to achieve other goals.

I write things here under the cover of anonymity that I don’t feel comfortable sharing with my “real life” friends and family. I’m not particularly ashamed, and I would share these things with my true friends if they asked, or if the situation was right. However, we live in an imperfect world, and we must also be concerned with protecting ourselves and our loved ones from the hatred and inequality that still exists.

I want to become a better, more complete, more honest person. I want to use this as a sandbox to explore ideas that I can re-voice in the future, or in other forms. I want to eventually turn this blog into a book, into a sensation, and reach as many people as I can. And I want to have a positive impact in the world.

So if you’re reading this, I ask that you think carefully about the topics I pose, I ask that you comment occasionally (even if it’s just a hell0, though all constructive comments are welcomed) and I ask that you share what you read here with others (even if you disagree with me and want to tell your bigoted friends how much you disagree with me… there’s no such thing as bad publicity! haha)

On a more personal note, I am lonely and in a period of much soul-searching. I haven’t slept with anyone or had a date with serious potential in a long time (more than six months).

My last relationship ended by just fading away… it was a long-distance thing, started when I was visiting another city for work, and there were problems that I did not recognize until too late. We were too similar in some ways, and too different in others, and I don’t think either of us was completely in a position to commit to the other. He proposed marriage to me basically as a solution to our financial problems (when it really wouldn’t have solved them) and although I am a hopeless romantic who dreams of a “Dharma and Greg” -like instant marriage, I could not jump in to that particular quagmire.

Although I want to “marry” for love, I don’t really believe in co-mingling finances. I’ve watched enough Suze Orman and enough Judge Judy to have doubts about trusting others in that area. His finances were compromised because he was a victim of identity theft. We would both have loans and debts hanging over us. Neither of us had a secure place ready to live, and both of us were contemplating major changes in our lives. The fact that it would have been a “domestic partnership” recognized only in some places in a  rather than a fully-legal “marriage” recognized in the whole world would have just made the situation more confusing.

So, we basically stopped communicating. I think we were equally to blame for that. I had thought maybe we could pick things up when I was able to return to his city. Then he changed his Facebook relationship status, and I responded by doing the same, a passive-aggressive tango. I basically gave up thoughts of a relationship working, although I wish him nothing but happiness. Later, I saw he was moving… and I still have not returned anyway… so there it lies. If everything else were perfect, I could attempt to bridge the distance, but I don’t forsee that happening.

That’s the way many of my failed relationships and friendships have ended… not with a bang, but with a whimper. I don’t really have huge arguments with others. I’m not sure why that is. Most relationships have ended in some form of “let’s be friends.” Even if I didn’t opt to reach out and talk to those exes, I almost always leave the door open for them to contact me, and in most cases, I would respond politely. I would at least give them a chance… though if they prove to be someone who doesn’t have my best interests at heart or who doesn’t positively contribute to my life, after a couple of chances, I might decide to cut them out of it.

Before that most recent relationship… I went through another of my periods of “sluttiness”. It happens every once in a while. It seems to be somewhat cyclical. Usually when I am living in a new city or area, when it is a certain time of year, or when my circumstances change… even if I am not actually more horny, I have more opportunity to act upon that horniness. I didn’t find anyone else with whom there was a serious chance… but not for lack of flirt-trying. I can’t even remember who many people I flirted with or exchanged messages with on Grindr/other sites… I had more than half a dozen dates and hook-ups (or attempted ones gone awry)… even went to a couple parties where “extracurricular activities” were promoted…. within the space of a few weeks.

Now I’m back in a rural area that has a severely limited population to choose from, where I’m living with others, and where I don’t have much opportunity to date (or other things). In some ways, this may be good, and it may help avoid temptations I will later regret. But in others, it sucks, and I’m in a drought.

I need to change my life. I need to stop chasing the wrong things. I need to find motivation and willpower to chase the dreams I should chase instead. I know what I need to do, but the hardest thing is to do it.

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