No present under the mistletoe

Why does the holiday season inspire such horniness? Okay, so I’m horny all year, but it seems that this time of year my loneliness becomes more apparent. The calendar stirs some subconscious feelings during certain times of year – major holidays, the beginning and end of school years (even when we’re long since graduated, this change in seasons which is ingrained since childhood remains), and times when we’re put in different situations (when in our hometown we slip into old bad habits, and when in new places we slip into new bad ones).

Maybe it’s seeing our extended family, who we may see together but a few times a year, that inspires our own craving to create a new generation of the family. Maybe it’s the sad realization that these people, our blood relatives, are not our “true family” or don’t know us as well as family should. Maybe it’s the fact that my cousin’s new boyfriend looks like Taylor Lautner. Ummm….

In any case, I find that I’m not alone in these thoughts and desires. “Dating” sites and apps are filled with people ripe for adventure. Even though all I’ve been doing lately is browsing, I can see those signs.

I want to “get back out there,” but it’s extremely hard in my current situation. I’m not particularly excited by the prospects that are in this geographic area, it’s extremely inconvenient to find a time and place to meet up, and I hate carrying on conversations online that never go anywhere.

I am not particularly happy with my life right now, in fact, I’m fairly miserable, depressed, unfulfilled, lost, frustrated, and many other adjectives I could think of. My social life is horrible. My career is going nowhere. I am a second-class citizen in too many ways. I don’t know where I’ll be in the future (both the location where I will be living, and my philosophical state of existence…) so I can’t make any long-term commitments. However, I don’t want a meaningless fling or hookup either. All of these make it harder to consider dating, since I don’t feel like a good catch right now. How can I expect to find a lover who meets my expectations, when I don’t even meet my own?

I want a family. I want a man*** who loves me for who I am, who I love, who can be a mate for many happy years. I want to raise children, whether biological or adopted. (I’m not sure I’m ready for this responsibility on my own, but I want to know it’s a possibility for my future, and I also feel my biological clock ticking. Yes, this happens for us guys sometimes too, though it may be a different feeling.) I want to surround myself with people who share my values and interests, who can be a support system, who can be friends and companions (and maybe lovers, in some instances).

***or a woman, or group of men/women, or genderless beings, but I’m simplifying here

I’ll always love and care for my “bio” family, but I don’t know that I feel comfortable opening up some parts of my life to them. Some members of the family know (and I’m sure others suspect) that I’m bi/gay, but I don’t really talk about my dating life with them except in VERY broad terms. They haven’t known any guys I’ve dated, though they have met or heard about some girls I’ve dated (though introduced not as “girlfriends” but simply as “friends”).

This is at least partly because I haven’t really had relationships that get that serious. Sure, I’ve maintained friendships with exes before and after the “dating” portion of our relationship, some friendships lasting more than 10 years. And I’ve had “relationships” that lasted a couple months, or were on-again/off-again relationships over longer periods of time. And I’ve even had a marriage proposal (though it was quite unromantic – more of a financial arrangement that was pretty one-sided against me – and I quickly shot it down).

But despite all the “dates” I’ve been on, I’ve never really had a successful adult relationship that got to the “meet the parents” stage. (The youth and teenage relationships, where parents must approve of even outings with friends, let alone dates, don’t count.) Most of my dates barely got to the “second date” stage. It’s not that I’m a slut, but there are lots of times when either I or they broke it off… or at least, neither of us made any move to continue a relationship.

So, I want to find another one of those “plenty of fish in the sea…”  I just don’t know where to begin. I need to be un-jaded, to become un-cynical again. To open my heart again to possibility without thinking about the inevitable rejections and dramas that will probably ensue. Is that possible?

My life needs kickstarted. I’m hoping to finally get back to the “big city” next month – as soon as the holiday travel rush is over, and as soon as the person who I’m staying with can have me as a guest… I have been meaning to get back there for an entire year, but one thing after another has stalled my plans. Mostly, however, it’s been my own procrastination and self-sabotage that stalls me. But I’m telling myself that this time, it will be different. I will go there, and I will take steps toward my goals, and I will do SOMETHING even if it’s not what I have planned in the past. I’m hoping a change of venue will shock me back into reality.

My biggest resolutions for the new year? To find someone to kiss under the mistletoe next year, and to be a person worthy of kissing.

And now I realize that’s been my resolution every January for as long as I can remember.

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