“I feel like I’ve been blown apart …

… there are pieces here / I don’t know where they go.” (Lyrics from Merril Bainbridge’s song “Mouth” … whatever happened there?!)

I find it difficult to explain to others how I feel. I wonder / worry if I’m experiencing the same reality as other people experience… for example, if I slam my hand in a door, do I experience the same amount of pain as another person? If I get annoyed with something, do other people find it equally as annoying? Does the color red look the same to me as to everyone else? Does a singer’s voice sound the same? Does a pepper taste the same? 

Of course there may be subtle variations of any of these feelings, throughout the human population. Perhaps there is enough shared expereince to link us all together somehow. But how do we really know? I can only describe red as the color of tomatoes, fire engines, or blushing cheeks. But how do I know that they don’t appear to others as yellow appears to me? (Some people and animals DO see some colors differently, such as colorblindness…) Anyway, I’m gettting further away from my point here… 

I find it difficult to express how I’m feeling. This means that I keep a lot “pent up” inside. I don’t feel I should complain about “little” annoyances when I know there are much graver injustices, and people who have it much worse than me (at least I think they have it “worse,” getting back to my question of how we experience reality…)

I wonder how the world can continue to function. I can’t bring myself to do so many things… so how can other people just go about their lives? I feel so depressed and frustrated. I get to the point where I think it’s pointless to do anything. So I do nothing. And I don’t understand why everyone else isn’t as outraged and angry and as much of a failure as I am.

I feel like I should talk to someone, but 1) I don’t really feel like talking to strangers – unless it’s through an anonymous blog! 2) I don’t have very many close friends I’m completely open with, and those people are all either very far away, very busy, or both. 3) I like to compartmentalize my life – I don’t really mix groups of people – friends, family, work, school, etc. In fact, it’s weird when two people I know from different places know each other (which happens more than you’d think! Small world syndrome. 4) I don’t have much opportunity to meet new people right now, and I’m not very good at it anyhow. 5) I don’t really want to see a shrink. I’ve done it in the past, and I’m not against it. It’s just that I don’t feel like paying for it (which would involve telling my family due to my health insurance situation, which frankly I’m not even sure how much would be covered) or having to go regularly or deal with the hassles. Plus, I would need to find someone that I’m comfortable talking to, and that is going to be a challenge.

I feel like I’m stuck in a mental riptide. My mind works and works and works, but I never get any closer to the “shore”, to the point where I need to be. I figure out what I need (or at least I think I do) but then I don’t have the willpower to make it happen.

There’s so much more going through my head, but this is all I can write now.

 

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