Weird Fetishes

What makes a fetish too weird? Anything?

Personally, I feel that anything consensual is okay. That means that bestiality, child abuse, and any kind of rape are no-nos. Those involved in those situations cannot or do not legally consent, and even if they don’t actively protest, they may not possess the mental wherewithal, the communication skills, or the ability to properly make a decision. (What the age of consent should be is a different debate for another time, but for the sake of argument I’ll go with the standard 18. Though there is a difference between a 19-year-old having sex with a 17-year-old, compared to say, a 40-year-old having sex with a 5-year-old.)

But adults, over the age of 18? I may not find their sexual interests to be interesting to me, but I try not to judge them for it. I’ll even give most things a try once, particularly if I’m in a good committed relationship… and I’ll

Some of the fetishes I have may be considered (by some) to be strange. Others may not understand them, and may not like them. (Hell, some people don’t even understand or like a person who is GAY, let alone particular fetishes.) And I’m okay with that – I don’t need everyone to share my fetishes. I just don’t want to be ostracized or judged for them.

I could explain and dissect my sexual interests, but that really isn’t the point. I may share them with a significant other at some point, but then again, some of the stranger ones may just not come up in conversation unless they check my porn history. And what’s happening in my porn- and pondering- fueled fantasies is not necessarily things that I will ever act on. I may just have a mild curiosity about it.

However, even my strangest fantasies and fetishes … seem to be shared by SOMEONE. Just about everything I can think of searching for online turns up at least a couple results. Even if some are obscure, and only turn up two or three videos, they are not totally unique to me. They may be so strange that without the internet, we’d never know it was a “legitimate” fetish … one might think it was just themselves. One might wonder if it was wrong and hide it. One might also be driven so crazy by it that it came out in inappropriate ways….

Also, what IS a “fetish”? We don’t consider many things fetishes, because they are interests or attractions shared by so many people. Or we don’t reach the point of being obsessive about them (and fetishes seem to elicit some obsessive quality, at least in the porn world.)

What do you think, readers? What fetishes are too “out there” to be discussed? What is taboo?

The Crush List – Winter 2013

Hmm, I really need to do this more often.

  1. TV shows – so I don’t fill up my entire list with shows, here’s my top 5 of the moment – Arrow and Revenge (Though aren’t those two basically the same plot? Wronged survivor reappears in their hometown, after years of martial arts training and planning, to exact revenge on those who screwed over their families/friends, with lots of deception and secrecy), Happy Endings (Though I want Max to date more!), RuPaul’s Drag Race (Jinx Monsoon and Jade Jolie are my current faves from week 1, and I really am annoyed by Alyssa and Coco, I know their drama is good for TV but they are the least likable queens EVER in Drag Race herstory) and the web series Space Janitors (http://spacejanitors.geekandsundry.com/).
  2. Conor Paolo (of Revenge and Gossip Girl) – seriously fucking cute. The hair. The voice. The … everything.
  3. More “out” celebrities – including Jodie Foster, Victor Garber, Matt Dallas….and whomever else! Seriously, celebs are instantly more likeable to me when they come out.
  4. Evernote application/website – I’ve only been using it a short time, but I’m addicted. I had previously been cynical about note taking programs and preferred old-fashioned pen-and-paper or saving electronic files on a thumb drive. But I tried it out on a whim, and it’s helping me be more organized about a research project that I’ve been doing haphazardly until now. https://evernote.com/
  5. Word games and puzzles from the USA Today website. I don’t often take time to do an entire crossword, but the shorter word searches, quick crosses, etc. on the USA Today paper or site are nice for a quick “brain exercise”. http://puzzles.usatoday.com/

#15factsaboutme

  1. I wish I had a boyfriend right now.
  2. I over-think everything. I over-analyze everything.
  3. I’m probably smarter than you at “book smarts,” but I often wish I could trade that for more “street smarts” and “people smarts.”
  4. I am insecure about many things. (My body, my career, how I speak, how I appear to others, etc.)
  5. I am also conceited about a few things. (My writing, my ideas, etc.)
  6. I have far too many things I want to do in my life; it will be impossible to read all the books, see all the movies/tv, visit all the places, etc. that I want to experience.
  7. I have a million ideas for my own books, movies, and other creative/business projects, as well. And my ideas and thoughts about the world seem to be unique and unusual.
  8. It’s taken me a long time to discover who I am, and how I identify (particularly in regards to sex/gender/sexuality, and in regard to faith/beliefs)
  9. I am pansexual, polyamorous, and genderqueer. I believe that society’s ideas about gender are mostly wrong, and often harmful. I am open to finding love wherever it finds me – regardless of the gender of the person.
  10. I have a unique set of beliefs. I believe there is much we don’t know about the universe. I believe there is a “god” or a force that binds us all together in the cosmos, but that he/she is not the typical “old man sitting on a cloud, both all-powerful and all-loving” that organized religions preach, but rather, this “god” or “brahma” defies human understanding. I believe that nothing can be wrong/evil if it does not harm others, and I follow the creed “do what you will if it harms none.”
  11. I’m still trying to “find myself” and decide what I want to be when I grow up…
  12. I have thought about suicide in the past, and depression is something I continue to battle sometimes.
  13. I am most often an introvert, and a private person.
  14. I often feel like I have no willpower. Though there are things I want to change about myself, in order to be the best version of me, I have difficulty making these changes happen.
  15. I feel like a walking paradox sometimes.

Who am I looking for?

As I was looking at some porn (yeah, I said it), I started wondering if I was a one-lover type of guy. I enjoy looking at pictures of hotties, and I’m attracted to a lot of people. I had casually joked about this one time with an ex, and they jealously freaked out. Their response was way out of proportion to the actual comment I made, and the comment in no way meant that I planned to cheat on them. (Though it did end up happening that I kind of cheated later, but it was unplanned, I swear! and I’d already realized things weren’t working out).

But seriously, what’s the problem with admitting that I’m attracted to other people? There is a biological drive to have sex with as many partners as possible, the better to spread our own genes to the next generation. This happens in most animal species, and we’re animals, too. Monogamy is an idea that’s been forced on us by a bunch of people who wanted to maintain power – rulers, churches, etc. We each have multiple grandparents, parents, children, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, etc. who we “love” equally in a different sort of “love” – so why is romantic love restricted to one person at a time? It isn’t. And if you need evidence, look to the billions of examples of promiscuity, cheating, divorce, and remarriage that happen.

Anyway, all this then led me to thinking about what I am looking for in a guy. Although I have a general idea in my head, I am hoping that writing it out will lead to some conclusions – or even to some help finding someone (or ones)….. so here goes! (These are just general guidelines. I’m not ruling out anyone I haven’t met based on prejudices!)

My ideal guy (or gal):

  1. should like to read
  2. should like to watch tv and movies
  3. should like to have philosophical and intellectual debates
  4. should like to cuddle
  5. should be open-minded and NOT a bigot or hypocrite
  6. should have a mix of some shared interests and some different interests
  7. should like (or at least be okay with) having pets
  8. should want a family, including children (someday)
  9. should be able to DISCUSS polyamoury and all aspects of our sexuality

Physical attraction is also necessary, but as I mentioned before, finding that really isn’t the problem. Finding a true emotional connection is much more difficult.

 

“I feel like I’ve been blown apart …

… there are pieces here / I don’t know where they go.” (Lyrics from Merril Bainbridge’s song “Mouth” … whatever happened there?!)

I find it difficult to explain to others how I feel. I wonder / worry if I’m experiencing the same reality as other people experience… for example, if I slam my hand in a door, do I experience the same amount of pain as another person? If I get annoyed with something, do other people find it equally as annoying? Does the color red look the same to me as to everyone else? Does a singer’s voice sound the same? Does a pepper taste the same? 

Of course there may be subtle variations of any of these feelings, throughout the human population. Perhaps there is enough shared expereince to link us all together somehow. But how do we really know? I can only describe red as the color of tomatoes, fire engines, or blushing cheeks. But how do I know that they don’t appear to others as yellow appears to me? (Some people and animals DO see some colors differently, such as colorblindness…) Anyway, I’m gettting further away from my point here… 

I find it difficult to express how I’m feeling. This means that I keep a lot “pent up” inside. I don’t feel I should complain about “little” annoyances when I know there are much graver injustices, and people who have it much worse than me (at least I think they have it “worse,” getting back to my question of how we experience reality…)

I wonder how the world can continue to function. I can’t bring myself to do so many things… so how can other people just go about their lives? I feel so depressed and frustrated. I get to the point where I think it’s pointless to do anything. So I do nothing. And I don’t understand why everyone else isn’t as outraged and angry and as much of a failure as I am.

I feel like I should talk to someone, but 1) I don’t really feel like talking to strangers – unless it’s through an anonymous blog! 2) I don’t have very many close friends I’m completely open with, and those people are all either very far away, very busy, or both. 3) I like to compartmentalize my life – I don’t really mix groups of people – friends, family, work, school, etc. In fact, it’s weird when two people I know from different places know each other (which happens more than you’d think! Small world syndrome. 4) I don’t have much opportunity to meet new people right now, and I’m not very good at it anyhow. 5) I don’t really want to see a shrink. I’ve done it in the past, and I’m not against it. It’s just that I don’t feel like paying for it (which would involve telling my family due to my health insurance situation, which frankly I’m not even sure how much would be covered) or having to go regularly or deal with the hassles. Plus, I would need to find someone that I’m comfortable talking to, and that is going to be a challenge.

I feel like I’m stuck in a mental riptide. My mind works and works and works, but I never get any closer to the “shore”, to the point where I need to be. I figure out what I need (or at least I think I do) but then I don’t have the willpower to make it happen.

There’s so much more going through my head, but this is all I can write now.

 

No present under the mistletoe

Why does the holiday season inspire such horniness? Okay, so I’m horny all year, but it seems that this time of year my loneliness becomes more apparent. The calendar stirs some subconscious feelings during certain times of year – major holidays, the beginning and end of school years (even when we’re long since graduated, this change in seasons which is ingrained since childhood remains), and times when we’re put in different situations (when in our hometown we slip into old bad habits, and when in new places we slip into new bad ones).

Maybe it’s seeing our extended family, who we may see together but a few times a year, that inspires our own craving to create a new generation of the family. Maybe it’s the sad realization that these people, our blood relatives, are not our “true family” or don’t know us as well as family should. Maybe it’s the fact that my cousin’s new boyfriend looks like Taylor Lautner. Ummm….

In any case, I find that I’m not alone in these thoughts and desires. “Dating” sites and apps are filled with people ripe for adventure. Even though all I’ve been doing lately is browsing, I can see those signs.

I want to “get back out there,” but it’s extremely hard in my current situation. I’m not particularly excited by the prospects that are in this geographic area, it’s extremely inconvenient to find a time and place to meet up, and I hate carrying on conversations online that never go anywhere.

I am not particularly happy with my life right now, in fact, I’m fairly miserable, depressed, unfulfilled, lost, frustrated, and many other adjectives I could think of. My social life is horrible. My career is going nowhere. I am a second-class citizen in too many ways. I don’t know where I’ll be in the future (both the location where I will be living, and my philosophical state of existence…) so I can’t make any long-term commitments. However, I don’t want a meaningless fling or hookup either. All of these make it harder to consider dating, since I don’t feel like a good catch right now. How can I expect to find a lover who meets my expectations, when I don’t even meet my own?

I want a family. I want a man*** who loves me for who I am, who I love, who can be a mate for many happy years. I want to raise children, whether biological or adopted. (I’m not sure I’m ready for this responsibility on my own, but I want to know it’s a possibility for my future, and I also feel my biological clock ticking. Yes, this happens for us guys sometimes too, though it may be a different feeling.) I want to surround myself with people who share my values and interests, who can be a support system, who can be friends and companions (and maybe lovers, in some instances).

***or a woman, or group of men/women, or genderless beings, but I’m simplifying here

I’ll always love and care for my “bio” family, but I don’t know that I feel comfortable opening up some parts of my life to them. Some members of the family know (and I’m sure others suspect) that I’m bi/gay, but I don’t really talk about my dating life with them except in VERY broad terms. They haven’t known any guys I’ve dated, though they have met or heard about some girls I’ve dated (though introduced not as “girlfriends” but simply as “friends”).

This is at least partly because I haven’t really had relationships that get that serious. Sure, I’ve maintained friendships with exes before and after the “dating” portion of our relationship, some friendships lasting more than 10 years. And I’ve had “relationships” that lasted a couple months, or were on-again/off-again relationships over longer periods of time. And I’ve even had a marriage proposal (though it was quite unromantic – more of a financial arrangement that was pretty one-sided against me – and I quickly shot it down).

But despite all the “dates” I’ve been on, I’ve never really had a successful adult relationship that got to the “meet the parents” stage. (The youth and teenage relationships, where parents must approve of even outings with friends, let alone dates, don’t count.) Most of my dates barely got to the “second date” stage. It’s not that I’m a slut, but there are lots of times when either I or they broke it off… or at least, neither of us made any move to continue a relationship.

So, I want to find another one of those “plenty of fish in the sea…”  I just don’t know where to begin. I need to be un-jaded, to become un-cynical again. To open my heart again to possibility without thinking about the inevitable rejections and dramas that will probably ensue. Is that possible?

My life needs kickstarted. I’m hoping to finally get back to the “big city” next month – as soon as the holiday travel rush is over, and as soon as the person who I’m staying with can have me as a guest… I have been meaning to get back there for an entire year, but one thing after another has stalled my plans. Mostly, however, it’s been my own procrastination and self-sabotage that stalls me. But I’m telling myself that this time, it will be different. I will go there, and I will take steps toward my goals, and I will do SOMETHING even if it’s not what I have planned in the past. I’m hoping a change of venue will shock me back into reality.

My biggest resolutions for the new year? To find someone to kiss under the mistletoe next year, and to be a person worthy of kissing.

And now I realize that’s been my resolution every January for as long as I can remember.

A double life, or a half life?

I often feel as though I’m living a double life (or perhaps a triple one, or more). There are facets of my identity that become either more obvious or more hidden, depending who I’m with. Maybe that’s why I”m attracted to spy shows – Covert Affairs, Nikita, Burn Notice, Alias. I’m already adept at hiding my identity from the world. I’m already a double agent working against my true self.

But if I am truly leading a double life, then why does my life feel so empty sometimes? Like I’m not even leading one full life, but half of one.

I just got a new body pillow. My old one was quite raggedy, it was lumpy and half its original size (from the stuffing being compacted) and the cover was faded, stained, and downright nasty. I’d had it quite a few years, and used it regularly. Now, I can’t wait until I cuddle up to sleep with the new one in a few minutes. I can’t cuddle with a real body next to me, so a pillow serves as a distant second.

I haven’t had someone to sleep with (and I mean sleep next to, not the euphemism for sex) for most of my life. And I want this so badly. I yearn for it. I sleep better with someone next to me. I wake up without hating being awake. Maybe this is partly why I’m an insomniac, with a horrid and strange sleeping schedule, who hates mornings.

I’m craving, I’m aching for, some human contact. Some human love (of the kind other friends and family can’t provide). Some human passion. I want to feel desire for something that’s in reach, not just a dream or a film or a work of art that is impossible to have, to feel, to experience in person.

I don’t know where to find it.

The Crush List – Summer 2012

In no particular order, here’s a list of things on which I’m crushing right now.

  1. Olympic gymnastics – Although it’s nerve-wracking to watch (and I really don’t understand or agree with the scoring rules, and NBC’s coverage sucks) the gymnasts are sexy AND inspiring. These Olympic-type sports are the only ones I really watch or care about. I think Danell Leyva and Sam Mikulak are probably the hottest men… but I keep changing my mind on that, and wouldn’t kick any of them out of bed.
  2. “Bunheads” on ABC Family – Amy Sherman-Palladino writes the best “witty banter” dialogue ever, and the duo of actresses Sutton Foster and Kelly Bishop is divine. The show itself is uneven, with the best minor characters not yet receiving their due, parts of the plot feeling untimely, and just random nonsense. However, the show is entertaining and has tremendous potential if it could learn to be more consistent.
  3. “The LA Complex” on the CW – Like a more mature “Degrassi,” this Canadian import tackles “issues” like mental illness, GLBT relationships, and drug and alcohol use, with a diverse cast who are wanna-be celebs living in a dumpy motel-cum-apartment complex. It sounds contrived, but trust me, the show is much better than its taglines. The characters are dynamic and sympathetic, and the show manages to be both heartfelt and hilarious. Slap the show with an HBO or Showtime logo instead, add more buzz, and we’d be talking Emmy nods.
  4. “Fables” graphic novels by Bill Willingham, et al – Though not exactly the story I would dream up, if tasked with putting fairy tale characters in the real world, this series is interesting, critically acclaimed, and filled with great art.
  5. Stephen Ira (http://supermattachine.wordpress.com) – So he’s gotten attention for being the son of a celebrity couple… but trans* activist blogger Stephen Ira is, from what I’ve seen, just adorable, smart, and brave. I don’t envy the public scrutiny he’s receiving, and don’t really want to add to it (as if I could), but he deserves kudos.

The Crush List is updated occasionally, or whenever I see fit. (If I promise a more regular schedule, I would probably just break it again). Check out the archives.

Some randomosity

This blog has been somewhat neglected, though I have been trying to get on Twitter more frequently. I want to do more. I suppose just writing this blog is, in itself, a form of art, a form of therapy, something worthwhile. However, it is also a stepping stone that I hope to use to achieve other goals.

I write things here under the cover of anonymity that I don’t feel comfortable sharing with my “real life” friends and family. I’m not particularly ashamed, and I would share these things with my true friends if they asked, or if the situation was right. However, we live in an imperfect world, and we must also be concerned with protecting ourselves and our loved ones from the hatred and inequality that still exists.

I want to become a better, more complete, more honest person. I want to use this as a sandbox to explore ideas that I can re-voice in the future, or in other forms. I want to eventually turn this blog into a book, into a sensation, and reach as many people as I can. And I want to have a positive impact in the world.

So if you’re reading this, I ask that you think carefully about the topics I pose, I ask that you comment occasionally (even if it’s just a hell0, though all constructive comments are welcomed) and I ask that you share what you read here with others (even if you disagree with me and want to tell your bigoted friends how much you disagree with me… there’s no such thing as bad publicity! haha)

On a more personal note, I am lonely and in a period of much soul-searching. I haven’t slept with anyone or had a date with serious potential in a long time (more than six months).

My last relationship ended by just fading away… it was a long-distance thing, started when I was visiting another city for work, and there were problems that I did not recognize until too late. We were too similar in some ways, and too different in others, and I don’t think either of us was completely in a position to commit to the other. He proposed marriage to me basically as a solution to our financial problems (when it really wouldn’t have solved them) and although I am a hopeless romantic who dreams of a “Dharma and Greg” -like instant marriage, I could not jump in to that particular quagmire.

Although I want to “marry” for love, I don’t really believe in co-mingling finances. I’ve watched enough Suze Orman and enough Judge Judy to have doubts about trusting others in that area. His finances were compromised because he was a victim of identity theft. We would both have loans and debts hanging over us. Neither of us had a secure place ready to live, and both of us were contemplating major changes in our lives. The fact that it would have been a “domestic partnership” recognized only in some places in a  rather than a fully-legal “marriage” recognized in the whole world would have just made the situation more confusing.

So, we basically stopped communicating. I think we were equally to blame for that. I had thought maybe we could pick things up when I was able to return to his city. Then he changed his Facebook relationship status, and I responded by doing the same, a passive-aggressive tango. I basically gave up thoughts of a relationship working, although I wish him nothing but happiness. Later, I saw he was moving… and I still have not returned anyway… so there it lies. If everything else were perfect, I could attempt to bridge the distance, but I don’t forsee that happening.

That’s the way many of my failed relationships and friendships have ended… not with a bang, but with a whimper. I don’t really have huge arguments with others. I’m not sure why that is. Most relationships have ended in some form of “let’s be friends.” Even if I didn’t opt to reach out and talk to those exes, I almost always leave the door open for them to contact me, and in most cases, I would respond politely. I would at least give them a chance… though if they prove to be someone who doesn’t have my best interests at heart or who doesn’t positively contribute to my life, after a couple of chances, I might decide to cut them out of it.

Before that most recent relationship… I went through another of my periods of “sluttiness”. It happens every once in a while. It seems to be somewhat cyclical. Usually when I am living in a new city or area, when it is a certain time of year, or when my circumstances change… even if I am not actually more horny, I have more opportunity to act upon that horniness. I didn’t find anyone else with whom there was a serious chance… but not for lack of flirt-trying. I can’t even remember who many people I flirted with or exchanged messages with on Grindr/other sites… I had more than half a dozen dates and hook-ups (or attempted ones gone awry)… even went to a couple parties where “extracurricular activities” were promoted…. within the space of a few weeks.

Now I’m back in a rural area that has a severely limited population to choose from, where I’m living with others, and where I don’t have much opportunity to date (or other things). In some ways, this may be good, and it may help avoid temptations I will later regret. But in others, it sucks, and I’m in a drought.

I need to change my life. I need to stop chasing the wrong things. I need to find motivation and willpower to chase the dreams I should chase instead. I know what I need to do, but the hardest thing is to do it.

Questioning Genderqueer

I suppose I identify as genderqueer.

I identify as pansexual – I am open to dating and attracted to people of all genders, though I usually find myself to be more attracted to gay/bi/trans people than straight people, and I am usually more attracted to men than women. And I tend to have good “gaydar.” (But these are just generalities, and I do judge each person individually.) For simplicity’s sake, I generally tell others I’m bi.

I identify as polyamourous – though I’ve only had one threesome (and then I was the temporary third in another couple’s relationship), I am open to and would prefer a poly or open relationship to a monogamous one. Even if  I was in a mostly monogamous relationship, I would want my partner and I to be able to be honest when we have feelings or desire for another person, even if those desires were not acted upon. I think it’s possible to love more than one person at once.

I’m biologically male, and currently have no desire for transition with hormones or surgery. I think that if I could snap my fingers and magically be female, I would try it (at least temporarily). But for several reasons, I don’t think transitioning is right for me.

I’ve also never really done drag or cross-dressing, except for a bit of dress-up play when I was a child, though I quite often imagine taking a more feminine appearance and behavior. I usually act more masculine in public than I feel in private. I’m not sure how much of that is conditioning and trying to “fit in” to society. Some of it is also laziness; it’s much easier to just go with my current outward appearance than it would be to try and maintain a female wardrobe, makeup, behavior, etc. And then go out in public, or “out” myself to others… I wouldn’t know where to begin. And I don’t know that I would want to appear femme all the time, either.

For those reasons, I never really considered myself “trans” until recently. I thought to myself, perhaps I was “trans curious” though I was just trying to make up something without knowing if there was a term for what I was feeling. Recently, I’ve been doing more reading on the subject… and I am wondering.

I had heard the term genderqueer long ago, but (erroneously?) thought I wasn’t androgynous enough in appearance or behavior to call myself that. I heard the term “gender non-conforming” and thought that might work, except that I do tend to conform, in many ways, in public. I suppose the term “bigender” could fit, since I sometimes feel more masc and sometimes more femme, though I don’t really feel like gender is binary or set to begin with. Now I saw the term genderfluid, but I’m really not certain how that differs from some of the other terms, but perhaps this may be the closest fit.  And I also wonder how the heck I’m supposed to explain how I identify, without a lengthy conversation, when even within the GLBT community there is confusion and debate over terms, let alone the population at large.

I do wish I could “experiment” more easily without having to worry about passing, dealing with others’ expectations, and transphobia. I’d like to wear a dress, act more femme, (or whatever) if I wanted without it being a major deal. And if it were easier, I could see myself appearing more femme or more masc at different times.

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